Dear Eric: My husband “Bob” and I celebrated our 30th anniversary this past spring. He has many wonderful qualities, but he’s also a “lone wolf” who very rarely asks for my input or help.
A few months before he retired, I discovered he’d gone on a hike with a young, pretty coworker.
Many years before, he’d had a two-year affair with another coworker. It was a devastating experience for me.
After this latest instance, we both started going to individual therapists. We seemed to be moving toward a healthier situation when I caught him “day drinking.” He admitted he had a drinking problem and started going to a harm-reduction program.
We started couples’ therapy.
Then I discovered that he’d opened a new bank account and bought crypto without discussing it with me.
I’m thinking I need to separate from him for a time. I don’t know how to break through to him, to make him understand that his inability to discuss things with me, to share his thoughts and desires with me, are destroying my trust in him.
Is our relationship worth salvaging?
– Left in the Dark
Dear Left in the Dark: I don’t say this lightly, but sometimes separation is an act of salvaging. First, think about finances. He, by this account, is acting irresponsibly and not telling you about indiscretions and major decisions. It would be wise, then, to talk to your financial adviser or an attorney about separating your finances, at least temporarily.
Talk to him about what his goals are in individual therapy and what your shared goals are in couples therapy. It’s possible that he’s as unclear on his motivations as you are. Unraveling that is a good place to start for him. That may not be work you can do together.
You need to be able to trust the person that you’re with. When broken, trust can be restored, but it takes intention, amends and change – internal and external. While he’s doing his work, you may find that being in a different space from him helps you to do the healing you need to do, helps you feel safer and, potentially, makes way for reconciliation.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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